Fuera de Servicio

I left work a little late before vacation a few days ago and needed to grab a quick dinner. Gettysburg, like most towns in PA, somehow found enough business to justify two McDonald's locations within 2 square miles of each other (confession: I don't actually know how to measure distance, but these McDonald's are definitely within 20 minutes walking distance of each other - I know this for a fact because 9 out of 10 Pennsylvanians will still opt to drive).


I chose to go to the one on Rte. 15 (even though it's by far the worst of the two locations) because it was on my way, choosing to ignore the following conditions:

1. It requires two left-hand turns, and Pennsylvanians have a unique talent for driving down roads with enough space between each car that you have to wait to make your turn as long as possible, while not leaving enough for you to actually make your turn.

2. The staff routinely glare at paying customers, as if to say, "I really hate you. I hate everything about you, and I resent you for making a purchase here today." I guess I can understand their feelings, because without me interrupting them with my ridiculous need for a cheeseburger they could be fondling each other in the breakroom. Sorry guys!

3. They installed two drive-thru speakers, which confuses a Pennsylvania driver every time ("Should I go to the first one? Should I use the one closest to me? What do you think, kids? Should I sit here and discuss it with you guys? Don't worry about it - the people behind us are probably just as confused as we are"). Also, neither of them work.

4. You have to order AND pay at the same window, putting both of these burdens on the same individual! Man just wasn't made to handle such taxing demands on their physical and mental state, so it takes them a little bit longer to handle each transaction.

5. It's a McDonald's in Pennsylvania! What was I thinking!


I waited in line sandwiched between two men in trucks (what are the odds?). The one in front had a vanity license plate - OCEANLY. Ocean LY, like Ocean Love You? Oceanly, as an adverb like She moved oceanly through the crowd? I considered the different options the whole time I was behind him, these were the best I could come up with so if you know him please get the word to me.

I couldn't identify the driver behind me because PA doesn't think two license plates is necessary - you really only need the one in the back. Why bother giving people two chances to get a license plate number, even in an emergency? He was definitely coated in a fine layer of dirt, and absolutely sniffed his armpits at least four times.

The young girl at the order window/cash register was clearly overwhelmed by those responsibilities. She had hardly any time to herself, so she had to dig dirt out from under her fingernails after taking my money before the next person got to the window. I think if I had taken any longer she would have worked on her toenails too, but I'd hate to be presumptuous.

As I waited for my bag o' food, I pondered the people I shared this experience with. They don't care about their appearances, the use of their time, not even their health. They waited in line for ten minutes of their life for this food. They eat garbage and by the dirt on their cars and bodies they live in it too. They live in a state that had to make catching fish with dynamite illegal.



And then I realized.. I am one of them.